Secret Actions and Addictions

by Alicia Hemphill

Dictionary.com provides the following as the definition of “addiction.”

1. Being abnormally tolerant to and dependent on something that is psychologically or physically habit forming.
2. An abnormally strong craving
3. (Roman Law) A formal award by a magistrate of a thing or a person to another person (as the award of a debtor to a creditor); a surrender to a master.

Under Roman Law, addiction was the justification for slavery.

If you are addicted to something, you are its slave. If you are doing things in secret, then they are a type of addiction. If your secret is a one-time action in the past that you are not willing to talk about with even one other person, you’re just as enslaved as someone battling a drug addiction right now. You’re dealing with the same issues of fear and shame. If your secrets are more thought-related the same principles apply. Whether you’re battling actions or thoughts, this topic is for everyone.

How do addictions begin?
To understand how we can get free from the shame of our secret actions, it’s helpful to understand how we end up addicted to them in the first place. Scientists have identified 5 stages of addiction. Let’s use a pornography addiction as an example.

1. Learn mood swings – Since porn is readily available and the Internet makes it absurdly easy to access, initial exposure can happen at almost any age. The person realizes that engaging in this activity creates a thrill.
2. Seek mood swings – The person begins to use illicit materials to regain that same rush, in order to feel alive and positive and energized. Or it might give them a way to calm down or feel comforted when they are under stress.
3. Early dependence – Viewing porn becomes the primary or the only method the person has to deal with stresses or disappointment. For many, it becomes a reward. The thinking becomes, “Hey, I worked really hard this week. I’ll just look for a minute.”
4. Use to feel normal – Using pornography now becomes an everyday, common occurrence. If they try to quit, they feel horrible, often jittery, anxious, irritable. In order to feel good, or even OK, they need to use.
5. Escalate – After a while, looking at the same old pictures, the same old sites start to lose their thrill. As the person becomes desensitized to what they are seeing, they will seek more explicit and more graphic images.

What happens as a person progresses through these stages of addictions is that they get into a vicious cycle. Their addiction/actions become a part of their identity. They try to quit and fail, multiple times. This causes the person’s self esteem to plummet. Then the addict begins to view a threat to their addiction as a threat to them as a person. They may also begin to lose money, jobs, friends, family and finally, freedom, and maybe their life to their addiction. And of course, the addict will ease the pain by getting their next fix, which begins the cycle again.

How do we find hope in the midst of pain and fear and shame?

Confession – You need to tell.
Proverbs 28:13: He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

When you admit to God that you are doing something you know isn’t God’s best for you, you’re not surprising Him. When you pray, “God, I’m addicted to alcohol,” or “I can’t stop hitting my child,” He is not scandalized. It’s not news to the One who sees what you do in secret. When you confess something to God, you agree that you are no longer lying to yourself about that issue. That’s why the writer of Proverbs said the one confessing would find mercy. God knows that telling Him is the first step toward freedom. And, freedom from the bondage and pain of sin and shame is what God wants for each of us.

The next step is to tell one or two people you know you can trust. AA has a saying. “Every time you tell someone your secret, its power over you is cut in half.” When you share your secret with another trustworthy person, your shame isn’t doubled. It’s halved.

James 5:16 says “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

Galatians 6:2 says “ Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.”

Absolute trust and confidentiality is a requirement here. This is something you don’t discuss with ANYONE, even your spouse. And, this is no time for judgment or accusation. When Paul said to bear one another’s burdens, he was talking about helping another person with a load too heavy to bear alone. Secrets are the heaviest things we carry.

Community – You need company.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.

The man I chose to marry was abusive. When I finally found the courage to admit what was happening, my pastor and my therapist were great. Both encouraged and affirmed me. Both were extremely knowledgeable about domestic violence. I defied the odds and left that situation never to return.

But, honestly, their role in my becoming healthy enough succeed was secondary. The primary source of community, my encouragement, accountability, information, and acceptance was an online community of people dealing with abusive relationships. I’d read their stories and think, “That’s MY story!” I wasn’t the only one. I wasn’t alone.

Cope – You need to replace your bad habit with a healthy alternative.
Secret actions and addictions become coping mechanisms. When you eliminate the unhealthy actions, you need to replace them with healthy alternatives. This is where a community of support can be invaluable.

For most of us, there are two components. First, the physical motions associated with our secret actions often have a power of their own. My friend Terry, who struggled with an alcohol addition, began to feel calm the moment he opened a beer can – before he even took a sip. In some cases, you might need medical intervention to break the physical dependency.

The second component is the emotional/coping aspect. To succeed, you must develop healthy ways to cope with the reasons you became addicted or secretive in the first place. This might mean introspection, talking in a small group or therapy. This is much harder work and might take a lifetime of diligence.

Conquer – Prepare for the best and plan for the worst.
If you are going to overcome your secret actions, you have to be the one to make the decision that you no longer want to be enslaved to your habit. Excuses like, “This is the way I am,” or “I know others have quit, but my life is just so stressful? Difficult?” have to be canned. In your own strength, you probably will not be able to change.

The good news is…God has promised to walk with you and give you the power you need to overcome your habits.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. Jeremiah 29:11-14

I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

Will you have setbacks? Almost certainly. But, if you are truly seeking to be set free, God promises that He will set you free. That is what He does. That is who He is.

Keeping the Back Door Open

by Lisa Creech Bledsoe

The more I place myself on common ground with people outside the church, the more our language inside the church strikes me as strange, or even scary. I was at a state conference of pastors and leaders and heard an entire presentation centered around churches working to "close the back door." When did the language of “closing the back door” show up in the church, and why? How did the notion of drawing people into our communities, and then locking all the exits, become standard operating procedure?

Does the church have something that we think might be stolen or vandalized? Is the effort to close the church’s back door driven by a desire to make sure the institution has enough captive workers to keep profit high, loss at a minimum, or to stay in operation?

On the church’s best day I think the phrase arises out of a desire to keep people from restlessly moving from one faith community to another, consuming the best of the buffet and never really experiencing spiritual growth or exercising their faith. But the simple fact is that the mission of the local church is not to perpetuate the institution, but to make disciples of Jesus (Matthew 28:19-20), even if those disciples never become attending, contributing members of that local church. When did we Jesus-followers decide that we would only take on God’s mission if there were a direct numerical benefit to the institution or the local congregation?

Recover the Mission
The way to retake this ground starts with a very simple idea: rather than continuing solely as a “come to us” institution, the church of Jesus Christ must also become a “go to them” people.
The reality is, people don't stay in one place as much as they used to. The back door to most churches is open whether we want it to be or not. So what does it look like to be a local church with an intentionally open back door? There are several keys to creating this kind of environment in our churches.

From NIMBY to Networks
Churches with a NIMBY, or “Not In My Back Yard” attitude, feel threatened that another church near them might “steal” members which they should be getting, or undercut program attendance by offering something better.

But one of the marvelous things about an open back door is that not only do we not feel threatened by other congregations doing Christ’s work around us, we don’t have to feel pressured into having something for everyone. Instead, we are freed to see other communities of faith as a tremendous resource, meaning we can have someone for everyone, even if that someone belongs to a different congregation.

All of the leaders in our congregation take off at least one Sunday every month. Once a month I worship or lead in another community of faith. Not only do I find this deeply refreshing, but it also means we are well-networked with other churches in our area. If you look out our back door, you will see a number of well-traveled paths between these churches, and we are all stronger because of it.

From Committees to Communities
Our church is also notable for the fact that we don’t have committees. What we have are communities – small relational networks or groups where the people are friends with each other, sometimes because of age and stage (new parents), a shared affinity (music), or even because they work for the same corporation. These communities are not only doing the work of leading the church in various areas, they also grow the church. The lead pastor or teacher is not the one responsible for “bringing in new families” or “doing the follow-up on visitors,” or even providing pastoral care for the entire congregation. Instead, a community will often make the connection with a visitor, naturally doing follow-up and giving care according to their ability.

Communities have permission to be on mission, and rarely need to “run anything by the pastor.” If an individual is struggling and sends out a cry for help, our first two questions are: With whom is this person connected? What does their community need to support him or her?

And because of our open back door, we might help someone who seems consistently at loose ends in our midst to comfortably follow the many tendrils we have connected with other communities of faith in order to find the experiences and relationships which will help them grow toward Christ.

From members to missionaries
Not incidentally, we also don’t have members. But we do have people on mission. When there are multiple entry and exit points to a community of faith, the people in the church have no trouble getting out on the field with Jesus. The whole body has a flowing, breathing feel.

In one new church plant I hired a worship leader who was also an incredible baseball coach with a gift for sharing Christ with the young boys on his teams. The teams he coached sometimes played on Sundays, and rather than condemning such a league (Have you done that before? I admit I have), or refusing to allow the worship leader to lead (Have you made 100% worship attendance mandatory for church leaders before? I admit I have), we made it our practice to “send out” our worship leader on a regular basis as a missionary to the ball field. The result was win-win: our worship team grew (it had to!), and the boys heard about Jesus.

Granted, this way of living with each other is necessarily messy and largely uncontrolled, and it certainly takes work and struggle. Our church looks more like a herd of cats than a well-oiled machine. But because we try to keep so many doors and windows open, we end up with lots of growing edges!

Christ called us to gather, and we do need some definition and boundaries. Not all structure is bad. But a structure that seeks to constrict and control by closing and locking all exits may be courting disaster. Instead, throw open a window or two. Hang around a church's open back door; you may be surprised at the Friend you meet there.

How do you know if it's God?

Q. I know someone who says God spoke to her in a dream. How do I know whether it was really God?

This is a question about discernment. In knowing what is or isn't "of God," there are at least three good sources of authority you can utilize.

1. The witness of Scripture. People love, of course, to pull out specific verses that they can use to "prove" or "disprove" things, but the best way to use it is as a whole, with an emphasis on the life and ministry of Jesus. In this case, Scripture shows us that God does in fact show up repeatedly in people's dreams, visions, musings, writings, and even in person.

2. The witness of God's people. The Bible and God's continuing interaction with creation is best interpreted in the context of a community of faith. The first thing young Samuel did when God called him in a dream was to go to Eli, his mentor in the church (1 Samuel 3). A great verse that tells about discernment in the New Testament church is Acts 15:28, in which the apostles say, "It seemed good to the Holy Spirit and us…" There's the community of faith working to know God's will in the specifics.

3. The witness of the fruit that is borne (Matthew 7:16). The great evangelist, biblical scholar and teacher John Wesley was calm in the midst of the howling going on over women preaching in his day. In the end, he simply said that women's preaching bore great fruit, and people's lives were transformed as a result of his willingness to enable women to continue their service. With regard to dreams, the question to ask is how it played out. Did the results build the Kingdom? Were lives changed for the better?

How do I give 100% of my efforts to Jesus?

Q: How do I give 100% of my efforts to Jesus? There are times I feel it is so easy and other times it is such a struggle. Does the day come when everything falls in place and stays in place?

This is the constant struggle of a Jesus-follower: Can I watch the game, love my spouse, teach high school, play in a rock band, and discipline my toddler, all for God? The answer is yes, you can. There are a few really big things that can help you become fully alive in Christ (or give 100% of your life).

1. Make worship a way of life. If you try to live each day honoring God in all that you do and loving and serving creation, you'll be less tempted to box away small sections of your life that "don't count". Having Jesus as Lord means his Way is the guideline for everything you do, not just what you do on Sunday. That includes relationships, finances, mental and physical health, work, and play.

2. Be a part of a community of faith. Having other people around who are trying to do the same thing you are – follow God – is a huge help. It's a big reason why Jesus created the church, in fact.

3. Find out what your strengths are, and operate out of them. When you love and live and work primarily out of your strengths, you honor the way God made you and you live really well. So, if you are by nature and giftedness an incredibly skilled mathematician, your job as a property manager may not honor God and inspire people the way a job as an engineer might. Where natural and built-up ability, special giftedness, and personal passion intersect, there is a beautiful and holy synergy. When you get there, you can function at the center of God's purpose for you.

4. Serve. It's amazing how much service helps us understand Jesus. This is another great thing about being a part of a community of faith – we are always seeking opportunities to serve because it matures us in our faith.

And yes, there are days (weeks, months, seasons) when it seems nearly effortless. And yes, there are days (weeks, months, seasons) when it's an incredible struggle. And we mess it up plenty. The good news is that God's love for us is not dependent on or equivalent to how much we "get it right". And there's a remedy for our sin, which the church calls confession (naming our sin before God), repentance (turning back toward God), and forgiveness (being made clean again by God).

Meet a modern-day Paul

by Marty Linn

"In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.' " Acts 20:35 (New International Version)

My perspective on the life of the apostle Paul is that he was so totally convicted by his experience of Jesus that he gave up everything to embrace a life of serving the world and encouraging everyone he encountered to follow the Way of Jesus. He became completely reliant on God for all provisions for his life and God provided it to Paul through God's people.

Recently I have gotten to know a modern-day Paul. Some of you met him when he was at Connections in February: his name is Wadsene.

Wadsene lives with his father, who was a preacher and never had much money with which to support his family. When Wadsene was a child, they sometimes had only mangos to eat for an entire week at a time. Wadsene said that growing up he understood that in order of prominence, God was first, the Haitian President was second, and missionaries were third. The reason missionaries were so prominent? They could bring their families something to eat other than mangos.

Wadsene is a US citizen but he chooses to stay in Haiti and serve his people. He is the administrator for the ministry called Horizontal Love Ministries, which offers food, medical care, and other services to elderly persons in the city of Les Cayes and south Haiti. From time to time, HLM brings the individuals they serve together. They play dominoes and other games and enjoy each other's company. When it’s time to go home, none of them want to leave.

All of the workers at HLM are volunteers; Wadsene says that he is somewhat embarrassed at times because he cannot pay them. Wadsene is actively involved in the care giving as well, and rides his bike to visit the various individuals who receive HLM's services.

He tries to have a few dollars to give when he visits someone. One time when he was visiting a 70 year old man he didn’t have any money, and Wadsene apologized for not having anything to give him. The old gentleman told him he shouldn’t apologize because just the fact that Wadsene was visiting him had changed his life. Seeing Wadsene visit, the people in his community had changed their perceptions of the older man and had begun to watch out for him and give him food. Wadsene says that even the smallest gesture or deed in Haiti is significant. Wadsene put it well: "I have a lot more than the boy with two fishes, and look what the Lord did with that!"

Wadsene was recently able to buy a small piece of land, and his dream is to build a 3 to 4 room house in which the people he serves can live.

I am grateful that Connections is already supporting this ministry but I also think we can do more. Haiti is a hidden corner of the world where this ministry may well be the only hope some people have to see Jesus. As we enthusiastically pursue growing the kingdom here, I propose we also consider doing the same there.

Matt: Practical Leadership

I am finding that there are several practical things that one must consider when leading:

Daily and intentional prayer for those that you directly lead.
This can and probably should include the people that God has placed around you. Many of us work full-time jobs. As God's people, we carry his mission into the work place.

Self assessment.
What are your prejudices? What are the economic, social, class assumptions that you make? What are the caustic effects of nationalism, or sexism, or racism in you (if you think that you are not plagued by these things you might be in trouble)?

Building into a handful of people around you.
Who are you sharing your things with? What personal time and possessions are you letting go of?

What are you spending your money on and how do you view yourself within the American consumer complex?
Are you striving to simplify and create space for God or are you trying to fill up time and space because someone is telling you to? Leaders are watched by those they lead.

A lot of being a follower of Christ is about never being satisfied in what YOU know, and about resting in the feeling of patient unconditional love.

Lance: How to Know if it's "of God" or "of Me"

I think the struggle to know what things are "of God" and what things are just "of me" is an ongoing one for everyone. We all have our ideas about what we'd like to see happen or what we think would be great, and some ideas are less God than others.

While there's no magic or easy way to guarantee that everything you do will always be of God, I've always thought the best way to increase the chances is to make sure other people are involved in it, especially other people in your "community." If you're the only one thinking about it or involved in it, you only have your perspective, and therefore your blind spots, guiding the process. But if other people have some input, it's a lot more likely that somebody will see something you don't and be able to say, "Wait a minute, what about this" or "Yeah, I did that once and here's what happened."

It's like if one (genderless) spouse wants a new Ibanez SR900 bass with Bartolini pickups and a thru-body neck and goes out and buys one without discussing it with the other (genderless) spouse, and then Spouse #2 says, "Have you lost your mind? If we don't pay the light bill this month they're going to cut off our electricity!"

And FWIW, I've always been a fan of allowing/encouraging people to "bloom where God has planted them," which for me just means working out of the gifts that God has given to them. If people aren't working out of their gifts, they're not going to be particularly effective or happy (or aligned with God) and their efforts are going to be unsustainable and, ultimately, less God than they could be.

Leading by Community

In this article on leading by community, George Bullard succinctly notes seven major differences between committees, teams, and communities.