Secret Actions and Addictions
by Alicia Hemphill
Dictionary.com provides the following as the definition of “addiction.”
1. Being abnormally tolerant to and dependent on something that is psychologically or physically habit forming.
2. An abnormally strong craving
3. (Roman Law) A formal award by a magistrate of a thing or a person to another person (as the award of a debtor to a creditor); a surrender to a master.
Under Roman Law, addiction was the justification for slavery.
If you are addicted to something, you are its slave. If you are doing things in secret, then they are a type of addiction. If your secret is a one-time action in the past that you are not willing to talk about with even one other person, you’re just as enslaved as someone battling a drug addiction right now. You’re dealing with the same issues of fear and shame. If your secrets are more thought-related the same principles apply. Whether you’re battling actions or thoughts, this topic is for everyone.
How do addictions begin?
To understand how we can get free from the shame of our secret actions, it’s helpful to understand how we end up addicted to them in the first place. Scientists have identified 5 stages of addiction. Let’s use a pornography addiction as an example.
1. Learn mood swings – Since porn is readily available and the Internet makes it absurdly easy to access, initial exposure can happen at almost any age. The person realizes that engaging in this activity creates a thrill.
2. Seek mood swings – The person begins to use illicit materials to regain that same rush, in order to feel alive and positive and energized. Or it might give them a way to calm down or feel comforted when they are under stress.
3. Early dependence – Viewing porn becomes the primary or the only method the person has to deal with stresses or disappointment. For many, it becomes a reward. The thinking becomes, “Hey, I worked really hard this week. I’ll just look for a minute.”
4. Use to feel normal – Using pornography now becomes an everyday, common occurrence. If they try to quit, they feel horrible, often jittery, anxious, irritable. In order to feel good, or even OK, they need to use.
5. Escalate – After a while, looking at the same old pictures, the same old sites start to lose their thrill. As the person becomes desensitized to what they are seeing, they will seek more explicit and more graphic images.
What happens as a person progresses through these stages of addictions is that they get into a vicious cycle. Their addiction/actions become a part of their identity. They try to quit and fail, multiple times. This causes the person’s self esteem to plummet. Then the addict begins to view a threat to their addiction as a threat to them as a person. They may also begin to lose money, jobs, friends, family and finally, freedom, and maybe their life to their addiction. And of course, the addict will ease the pain by getting their next fix, which begins the cycle again.
How do we find hope in the midst of pain and fear and shame?
Confession – You need to tell.
Proverbs 28:13: He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.
When you admit to God that you are doing something you know isn’t God’s best for you, you’re not surprising Him. When you pray, “God, I’m addicted to alcohol,” or “I can’t stop hitting my child,” He is not scandalized. It’s not news to the One who sees what you do in secret. When you confess something to God, you agree that you are no longer lying to yourself about that issue. That’s why the writer of Proverbs said the one confessing would find mercy. God knows that telling Him is the first step toward freedom. And, freedom from the bondage and pain of sin and shame is what God wants for each of us.
The next step is to tell one or two people you know you can trust. AA has a saying. “Every time you tell someone your secret, its power over you is cut in half.” When you share your secret with another trustworthy person, your shame isn’t doubled. It’s halved.
James 5:16 says “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”
Galatians 6:2 says “ Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.”
Absolute trust and confidentiality is a requirement here. This is something you don’t discuss with ANYONE, even your spouse. And, this is no time for judgment or accusation. When Paul said to bear one another’s burdens, he was talking about helping another person with a load too heavy to bear alone. Secrets are the heaviest things we carry.
Community – You need company.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.
The man I chose to marry was abusive. When I finally found the courage to admit what was happening, my pastor and my therapist were great. Both encouraged and affirmed me. Both were extremely knowledgeable about domestic violence. I defied the odds and left that situation never to return.
But, honestly, their role in my becoming healthy enough succeed was secondary. The primary source of community, my encouragement, accountability, information, and acceptance was an online community of people dealing with abusive relationships. I’d read their stories and think, “That’s MY story!” I wasn’t the only one. I wasn’t alone.
Cope – You need to replace your bad habit with a healthy alternative.
Secret actions and addictions become coping mechanisms. When you eliminate the unhealthy actions, you need to replace them with healthy alternatives. This is where a community of support can be invaluable.
For most of us, there are two components. First, the physical motions associated with our secret actions often have a power of their own. My friend Terry, who struggled with an alcohol addition, began to feel calm the moment he opened a beer can – before he even took a sip. In some cases, you might need medical intervention to break the physical dependency.
The second component is the emotional/coping aspect. To succeed, you must develop healthy ways to cope with the reasons you became addicted or secretive in the first place. This might mean introspection, talking in a small group or therapy. This is much harder work and might take a lifetime of diligence.
Conquer – Prepare for the best and plan for the worst.
If you are going to overcome your secret actions, you have to be the one to make the decision that you no longer want to be enslaved to your habit. Excuses like, “This is the way I am,” or “I know others have quit, but my life is just so stressful? Difficult?” have to be canned. In your own strength, you probably will not be able to change.
The good news is…God has promised to walk with you and give you the power you need to overcome your habits.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. Jeremiah 29:11-14
I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13
Will you have setbacks? Almost certainly. But, if you are truly seeking to be set free, God promises that He will set you free. That is what He does. That is who He is.
